I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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