Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
