did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
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If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
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I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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