I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
