And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I see more hoeing in ur future
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