there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
