Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
