Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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