its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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