I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
