I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
There's always time for handjobs
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
