he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
