My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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