You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
