His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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