Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
