I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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