he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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