theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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