Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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