I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
