just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
