I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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