Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Randomize
