Hey man sorry I got all grabby
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
