What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
