Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
