I hate all girls vehemently.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
