Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I came so hard my ears popped.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
