remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I just want nice things and good sex
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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