she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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