you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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