So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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