If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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