You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
God, I missed his penis.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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