i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
