the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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