Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
