you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
