if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
