So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
