I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
