Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got inside last night via doggy door
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
