you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
