how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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