I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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