Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
