we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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