spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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