He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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