I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
