Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
