I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
