Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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